Blue Christmas?

How subversive is marketing? Just read and learn.

At work I decided to participate in the Angel Tree, buy a few gifts for a middle schooler for Christmas. I had a 14-year-old boy where all I know is he wears a size medium shirt in men’s, like sports and his special need are “toiletries.”

Hey, great, all of that can be purchased at Wal-Mart. I headed off to the store with my sister and we talked about what to get. At first I thought about t-shirts from a sports team. Well, Wal-Mart’s men’s department was in total chaos and I couldn’t find any cool shirts. Plus, I didn’t want to offend the kid by buying the wrong team!

So we headed over to the toiletries area. I thought about tooth brushes and soap. I thought hair gel would be good, but I didn’t know the race of the child, so I didn’t want to buy the wrong hair gel stuff. 

I said to my sister, “Hey, how about Axe? My kids are always stinkin’ it up after PE with that stuff. It can be deodorant and cologne.”

So we start smelling the different “flavors” as Becky calls them. I look at body spray and she goes to body wash.

She says, “How about this detailer thing, its a little shower scrubby?”

“Oh, cool, whatever, lets just get it all, body wash, scrubby and spray. Its Christmas,” I say, “OK, sports stuff, hmm. Let’s go to sporting goods.”

I look at water bottles and headbands, but I thought it’s not a big enough of a gift if the kids getting soap too.

“Hey,” Becky says, “this football is cool, its like blue.”

“Yeah, I guess so, but I got this basketball and its twenty dollars,” I reply.

“Here’s a little soccer ball, its blue too and five bucks,” says Becky.

“Oh!” I exclaim, “and here’s a blue and white basketball, and its cheaper!”

“Yeah get that, since you’ve got this whole blue theme going on,” she adds.

So I get the basketball and football and I start thinking about how to wrap it up.

I say, “Hey follow me over here” and I head to the laundry basket aisle, “How about a mesh bag for the gift bag and here’s a little mesh shower caddy for the soap stuff? This way his mom can have the bag to put his laundry in later.”

We head off to the check out line after counting up the items and estimating the cost, “I think this will be pretty good,” I smile as I check out.

We approach the exit doors and I stop in my tracks, with not even putting my card back in my wallet, “Oh. No.!”

“What?” Becky says as she stops the cart.

“Oh no…. I’m horrible…I just bought the commercial…”

“Huh?” she says.

“I just bought the Axe commercial!!!” and I start cracking up, “Dirty Balls!  I just bought Dirty Balls!!!”

Becky and I collapse over the cart laughing by the Wal-Mart greeter.

“I got a 14 year old Axe and Blue Balls for Christmas!!!” I cry and laugh.

“What do you want to do about it? Do you want to return it?” she laughs.

“Uhhhh….yeah,” I laugh, “I’ll do it later…Oh my gosh I’m an idiot…I got the kid a ball sack, too!!!”

Subversive marketing has turned my innocent Christmas gift into a nasty thing!!

Need Proof–I have only seen the commercial 1 time…watch here:

Axe Commercial

Ernie Harwell Tribute: A Voice of Everyone’s Childhood

Last month Ernie Harwell, the voice of the Tigers passed away.  For me he was the voice of my childhood.  I used to ride around the barn on my tricycle/bicycle while my dad milked the cows.  He would have the Tigers game on WJR with the voice of Ernie Harwell calling the play-by-play.  I associate Harwell’s voice with spending time with my dad.

Below is Harwell’s speech he gave at his Hall of Fame induction.  It was a poem he wrote called “Baseball Is”.  Harwell wrote a lot of baseball songs and poetry in his lifetime.  He also started each Opening Day game with scripture from Song of Solomon 2:11-12:

For, lo, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone;
The flowers appear on the earth;
The time of the singing of birds is come,
And the voice of the turtle is heard in our land.

God Bless Ernie.

Baseball is the President tossing out the first ball of the season; and a pudgy schoolboy playing catch with his dad on a Mississippi farm.

   It’s the big league pitcher who sings in nightclubs. And the Hollywood singer who pitches to the Giants in spring training.

   A tall, thin man waving a scorecard from his dugout-that’s baseball. So is the big, fat guy with a bulbous nose running out one of his 714 home runs with mincing steps.

   It’s America, this baseball. A reissued newsereel of boyhood dreams. Dreams lost somewhere between boy and man. It’s the Bronx cheers and the Baltimore farewell. The left field screen in Boston, the right field dump at Nashville’s Sulphur Dell, the open stands in San Francisco, the dusty, wind-swept diamond at Alberquerque. And a rock home plate and a chicken wire backstop-anywhere.

   There’s a man in Mobile who remembers a triple he saw Honus Wagner hit in Pittsburg forty-six years ago. That’s baseball. So is the scout reporting that a sixteen year-old sandlot pitcher in Cheyenne is the “new Walter Johnson.”
   It’s a wizened little man shouting insults from the safety of his bleacher seat. And  a big, smiling first baseman playfully tousling the hair of a youngster outside the players’ gate.

   Baseball is a spirited race of man against man, reflex agaisnt reflex. A game of inches. Every skill is measured. Every heroic, every failing is seen and cheered-or booed. And then becomes a statistic.

   In baseball, democracy shines its clearest. Here the only race that matters is the race to the bag. The creed is the rulebook. Color is something to distinguish one team’s uniform from another.

   Baseball is Sir Alexander Fleming, discoverer of penicillin, asking his Brooklyn hosts to explain Dodger signals. It’s player Moe Berg speaking seven languages and working crossword puzzles in Sanskrit. It’s a scramble in the box seats for a foul-and a $125 suit ruined. A man barking into a hot microphone about a cool beer, that’s baseball. So is the sportswriter telling a .383 hitter how to stride, and a 20-victory pitcher trying to write his impressions of the World Series.

   Baseball is a ballet without music. Drama without words. A carnival without kewpie dolls.

   A housewife in California wouldn’t tell you the color of her husband’s eyes, but she knows that Yogi Berra is hitting .337, has brown eyes, and used to love to eat bananas and mustard. That’s baseball. So is the bright sanctity of Cooperstown’s Hall of Fame. And the former big leaguer, who is playing out the string in a Class B loop.

   Baseball is continuity. Pitch to pitch. Inning to inning. Game to game. Series to series. Season to season.

   It’s rain, rain, rain spattering on a puddled tarpaulin as thousands sit in damp disappointment. And the click of typewriters and telagraph keys in the press box-like so many awakened crickets. Baeball is a cocky batboy. The old timer whose batting average increases every time he tells it. A lady celebrating a home run rally by mauling her husband with a rolled up scorecard.

   Baseball is the cool, clear eyes of Rogers Hornsby, the flashing spikes of Ty Cobb, an overaged pixie named Rabbit Maranville, and Jackie Robinson testifying before a congressional hearing.

   Baseball? It’s just a game-as simple as a ball and a bat. Yet as complex as the American spirit it symbolizes. It’s a sport, business-and sometimes even religion.

   Baseball is Tradition in flannel knickerbockers. And Chagrin in being picked off first base. It is Dignity in the blue serge of an umpire running the game by rule of thumb. It is Humor, holding its sides when an errant puppy eludes two groundskeepers and the fastest outfielder. And Pathos, dragging itself off the field after being knocked from the box.

   Nicknames are baseball. Names like Zeke and Pie and Kiki and Home Run and Cracker and Dizzy and Daffy.

   Baseball is a sweaty, steaming dressing room where hopes and feelings are as naked as the men themselves. It’s a dugout with spike-scarred flooring. And shadows across an empty ballpark. It’s the endless of names in box scores, abbreviated almost beyond recognition.

   The holdout is baseball. He wants 55 grand or he won’t turn a muscle. But it’s also the youngster who hitchhikes from South Dakota to Florida just for a tryout.

   Arguments, Casey at the Bat, old cigarette cards, photographs, Take Me Out to the Ball Game-all of them are baseball.

   Baseball is a rookie-his experience no bigger than the lump in his throat-trying to begin fulfillment of a dream. It’s a veteran too-a tired old man of thirty-five, hoping his aching muscles can drag him through another sweltering August and September.

   For nine innings, baseball is the story of David and Goliath, of Samson, Cinderella, Paul Bunyan, Homer’s Iliad and the Count of Monte Cristo.

   Willie Mays making a brilliant World Series catch. And then going home to Harlem to play stickball in the street with his teenage pals-that’s baseball. So is the voice of a doomed Lou Gehrig saying, “I’m the luckiest guy in the world.”

   Baseball is cigar smoke, roasted peanuts, the Sporting News, winter trades, “Down in front”, and the seventh-inning stretch. Sore arms, broken bats, a no-hitter, and the strains of “The Star Spangled Banner.”

   Baseball is a highly paid Brooklyn catcher telling the nation’s business leaders: “You have to be a man to be a big leaguer, but you have to have a lot of little boy in you too.”
   This is a game for America, this baseball!

   A game for boys and men.

My Forward Queen–from the Ma Cobb Chronicles

Ma Cobb has been on a forwarding kick lately. However I’d like to call it Ma Cobb’s Greatest Hits–she has been sending me forwards she has already sent me! The problem with older adults hanging out with each other on the internet is that they don’t remember the jokes they have already sent. It is constant repeats. I have gotten the same “God’s Beauty” Powerpoint and NoBama e-mails 3 times this year.
As part of being a good daughter, I still read them or pretend to read them. For some reason my other sisters do not get this pleasure.
Furthermore, my mom doesn’t understand that the concept of e-mail means ELECTRONIC MAIL so she should NOT print out “her favorite e-mails” because that defeats the purpose of being PAPERLESS!!!! Oh the toils of being technologically saavy.

Ma Cobb’s Advice to Live By.

The first day of freshman year in college my mom and Aunt Phyllis dropped me off at the dorm and helped me get settled in. Mom stuck around the whole day in my room getting things put away for me as I explored the campus and went to the different first day activities. I came back in the afternoon to find most of my stuff organized and my dorm room as my new home.

Mom had about a 90 minute drive back home so we went to the community bathrooms before her long trip. As we were washing our hands my mom looked over to me and said, “Jane…”

My mind began to race thinking, “Oh this is it, my mom’s going to give me that life-changing-you’re-going-to-college-and-you have-the whole-world-in-front-of-you-speech. What is she going to tell me? What advice and wisdom will she impart to me?”

She looked at me with a tender gaze of motherly love, “Jane, you should really start putting lotion on your elbows, that way they won’t look all old and cracked.”

I stared back at her, my mouth slightly open ready to respond to my mom’s great advice. My pounding mind thought, “WHAT???? I’m going to college and she tells me to ‘lotion my elbows’! No “be true to yourself” or “follow your dreams” or “do what makes you happy” or “keep your pants zipped” (at least my brother got that advice)!”

Then my mouth closed and my eyes formed a squint and I said, “I think its time for you to go, Mom.”

She said, “Okay, baby.” We hugged goodbye and I walked my mom out to her car. I never forgot mom’s wonderful advice and even as a Resident Advisor I would regale the incoming freshman girls of the story of Ma Cobb’s Advice of Don’t Forget to Lotion Your Elbows.

Do I lotion my elbows? Yes, of course, mom said to and I want people to admire my young and supple elbows when I’m older. “She may 92 years old, but she’s got the elbows of a 19 year old college freshman.”

Thanks, mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

My Word for 2010: Distinctive

I want this year to be distinctive—different from all my other years. Many of my adult years are starting to blend and bleed together into a blob of indistinct memories and events. No more of that, as this is THE YEAR—a year to make my life distinct from others.

I want each day to be distinctive—different from all my other days. No more of the mundane or just getting by. No more of waking up and thinking about when can I go back to sleep again. No more exhaustion or anxiety over the little things. Instead each task and event will be treated as something distinct for me to conquer.

I want my life to be distinctive—different from all other lives in the world. No more quiet Christianity. No more church as a duty. Instead the world will see how distinctive I am. Those distinctive talents will come out. I am set apart from this world—a distinct creature. I am distinct because I am a child of God. When others see me I will have the distinguishing marks of Jesus in my life.

2010 is my year to be what God has called me to be: Distinctive.

Top 5: Things on TV to Fall Asleep to

Many nights I am not ready to go right to sleep, so I have to turn on the tv to make me wind down. Yes, this is an element I share with my mother, which frightens me. So if you suffer from a little insomnia once in a while, like I do, here are some suggestions to turn on in the wee hours of the night. These are much better than warm milk.

1. The Golden Girls.
You can always classify you and your friends as either a Blanche, Dorothy, Sofia or Rose. When I hear about St. Olaf I feel warm and fuzzy inside and then I can get settled to sleep.

2. The History Channel. Best for Saturday or Sunday afternoon naps.  You feel real good because you are getting an education, but within 7 minutes the dulcet tones of the narrator will have you out cold.  The problem, they use the same narrators over and over again, so set an alarm, otherwise you’ll be passed out for hours.

3. Johnny Carson.  Okay. Okay. This is not on the air anymore, but when I was a kid I would crawl into bed with my parents and watch the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and I would be asleep by the second guest.  I was so upset when he want off the air because Arsenio, Leno and Letterman did not cut it and I can’t wait that long to stay up and watch Conan O’Brien.  I am hoping to get Johnny on DVD so I can pop him in and fall asleep with childhood memories.

4. Turner Classic Movies.  There’s something about the crisp picture of a black and white film that makes me fall asleep.  Usually the movies start with a sweeping soundtrack and you recognize some famous actors’ names and you decide it would be a good one to check out.  This one takes about 12 minutes and I’m done.  I don’t even get past the exposition because the characters start to blend together or they sing a song.  There are a few exceptions to the rule, but those are mainly movies who are on my AFI Top 100 list and then it becomes a mission to complete the movie.

5. Roseanne.  How can this be? It is the most loud and annoying show on tv.  Well, it is on so late and runs for about 3 hours so with your insomnia you’ll eventually fall asleep while watching it.  Some times I struggle when they get too loud and start screaming, so keep the volume low.

Hungary Missions Trip Blog 1

On October 16th I depart for Hungary on my first mission’s trip and my first trip outside of the country (Canada doesn’t count, I guess).  Over the past few weeks I have sent letters and talked with my family, friends, co-workers and neighbors about where I am going and why it is important.  In the next few weeks I will be preparing myself spiritually for the trip as I search for what God wants me to do in this country and for its people. I also looking for what God wants to do in my life through this experience.  Besides packing my bags, writing up lesson plans and paying my bills, before I go it will require some prayer, meditation, and fasting to prepare myself for a long week of witnessing and life-changing experiences. 

         

I do have some apprehension about this trip. I will be gone from my school for over a week and I will have a substitute teacher in my classroom.  It will also be the beginning of a new nine weeks so I will have new students in my room.  A lot can happen in a week to destroy all the classroom management plans and rituals I have set up.  This will be a struggle waiting for me when I return.  I will also have to take 4 days without pay from my job.  This will be a hit on my pay check for when I return.  I am also trying to finish up my Master’s Degree, which my last day of classes is October 26th.  I am taking two courses, and one of them is my final practicum project.  All of my class work and papers needs to be finished before I leave for my trip. Never mind my anxiety about missing one week of Dancing with the Stars.

The mountain ahead of me seems large but not once have I said, “I shouldn’t go.”  To some it might seem unwise or crazy to go at such a busy time, but when are we NOT busy?  There will always be some excuse or obstacle in the way.  God is just stretching me and he is saying, “Hey, let’s see how much we can get done in less than 20 days. And after that, let’s see how much we can do for a week in a foreign country.” All I have to say in return is “Okay, I’m ready.” Sometimes I get a little freaked out, especially when I write my to-do lists and nothing gets crossed off and yes, my stomach gets that acidic feeling right before I go to sleep because I start thinking about the next day, but the peace that God has given me about the trip has been amazing.

It is like the trip has a place in my heart and any negative thought or doubt or lack of money cannot get to it because I just know that I am going to go and it will be an amazing experience.

 

If you would like to give to my mission’s trip please send checks to:

Christ Central Ministries

P.O. Box 941

Dallas, GA 30132

*Please place my name in the memo

 

 

Check out my 2nd Blog Page

I started a 2nd blog page dedicate just to my mission’s trip to Hungary. You can check it out here:

http://jcmissiontrip.wordpress.com/feed/

Top 5: Christmas Movies/Specials

Tis the season for sappy movies and heart-warming tales of Christmas miracles.  Here’s a little viewers’ guide for you this CHRISTMAS SEASON.

5. A Christmas TV movie usually showing on Friday and Saturday.  The recipe: A single girl with a big city job who is too busy for Christmas.  She is forced to either a. go home for the holidays and either hooks up with her childhood flame or buy herself a “fiance” for the Christmas holidays (and of course they fall in love for realsies) or b. She meets an orphaned child and has to take care of him or her over the holiday, she also falls in love with her neighbor or a security guard and keeps the kid forever or c. She doesn’t believe in Santa Claus and either is related to him and has to take on the family business or she falls in love with the guy who is the new Santa Claus.  Usually ends with someone on Santa’s sleigh.  These movies can be found on such channels as ABC Family, Hallmark, or Lifetime.  Best if it stars with some has-been celebrity from 10 years ago, such as Melissa Joan Hart or Crystal Bernard.  Extra points if it involves Mario Lopez in hand cuffs.

4. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas–cartoon version.  Boris Karloff’s voice is perfect for the Christmas special.  Skip the Jim Carrey version and stick with the cartoon and the book or your heart will grow two sizes too small.  How can you resist Cindy Lou Who’s pleading eyes?  Don’t be put-off the Grinch’s outfit of a Santa Suit with no pants.

3.  Its a Wonderful Life.  I love Jimmy Stewart and this is THE MOVIE for him.  I love that it is an epic tale.  It tells of when he was a kid, as a teenager and then a man.  You see all the shaping events of his life.  My favorite is the school dance where the pool opens up and they all fall in.  The following scene when he and Mary walk home all wet and he tries to lasso the moon, that is Christmas Goodness.   For a great alternative watch the Saturday Night Live spoof when Dana Carvey as Jimmy Stewart goes after evil Mr. Potter and they kick him out of his wheelchair–that’s a classic, too.

2.  A Charlie Brown Christmas.  This is definately one you need to see once in awhile.  You get more meaning out of it everytime you see it.  My favorite scene is when all the characters are dancing at play practice.  I have developed my own “Charlie Brown Dance” from it. The music is wonderful and whimsical and the scene when Linus tells the Christmas Story is the reason for the Season.

1. Miracle on 34th Street.  This is my All-Time favorite holiday movie.  The first time I saw it I was shocked by some very controversial subjects that it addresses: divorce, drunkeness, and an accusation of pedophilia. All this in a movie from 1947!  But the overall story is what gets you.  You have Santa in New York City taking over the Macy’s parade.  He then realizes that a little girl and her mother don’t believe in him.  The two actually don’t believe in anything.  Well, he fixes that.  You’ve got great scenes, like Santa speaking Dutch to little orphaned girl–gets me teary every time and Santa chewing bubble gum.  The ending with the dramatic court scene and when poor little Natalie Wood doesn’t think she got her Christmas wish, well, you need to see it for yourself.  Don’t be fooled by imitators.

Watch the movie while you are lazy at work here: http://www.hulu.com/miracle-on-34th-street

Did I forget your favorite?

Cookies!

Okay, we are officially into the 12 days of Christmas and I think I have blown my cookie quota early. We had a cookie swap party and I tried to “run the table” by having 1 of each cookie. I got 8 cookies into it and I had to quit. I thought it was just half-time in the feeding frenzy, but the sugar coma was coming strong. I had to take the cookies to-go and I don’t know if I have enough energy to go for a second round. Good thing I had my elastic waist pants on.

Top 5 Christmas Songs

5. The Little Drummer Boy by Josh Groban.  This song doesn’t have to be sung by Josh Groban, but I do like this version.  I love it because it reminds you that you don’t have to give extravagent gifts at Christmas.  Instead you should give something from your talents and your heart.  We can give so little to Jesus yet He still loves us. My favorite line is “then He smiled at me, me and my drum.”  Gets me everytime.  Plus, you gotta love ox and lamb keeping time.

4. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Judy Garland. This one is from Meet Me in St. Louis. This one is kind of a sad song because it is about how you might not be able to get together, but next year will be better. It actually uses the line “somehow we’ll muddle through”. Wow. Heart-breaker. There is still a little hope, if the fates align. Judy Garland is the classic voice for this version of the song.

3. White Christmas sung by Bing Crosby. I love the sound of old Chrismtas songs as if it is playing on a record player. This one has this feel, Bing Crosby’s voice has the clear tone that makes him sound like he is in the room with you but you can almost hear the record snapping or cracking in the background. This is from the movie White Christmas and I love when he whistles and uses his pipe to hit the bells. This song has been more special to me recently as in Georgia we don’t get White Christmases. So I think about my return to Michigan and how I will get my usual blizzard.

2. The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole.  Another one that sounds like an old record playing.  It makes you glad that you are one of the kids 1 from 92.   I love how he sings the word “Eskimos”.

1. Joseph’s Lullaby by MercyMe.  This one is not a “classic”, yet.  The song tells Christ’s birth from the viewpoint of Joseph.  It is such a beautiful songs with many touching lines.  One that breaks your heart is when Joseph says, “The world can wait for one more moment.  Go and sleep in peace” because Joseph knows that his son will do great things for the world.  He just wants his son to have one night to be a baby before he begins his life as the Son of God.  Joseph even asks God to let Jesus “for just this moment  simply be my child.”   Joseph is Jesus’ adopted father and he wants to love and protect him.  It’s just a beautiful depiction of Christ’s birth.

Taboo Party Topics?

I recently went to an “office party” aka “teachers gone wild” party to celebrate the holidays. It was a nice get-together because it is nice to talk to your work friends outside the confines of work. Of course a lot of times it turns into griping about our work either students or fellow workers.
This year I decided to abstain from the “gone wild” portion of the party. I told my friends it is because I want to cut calories. I would rather eat my calories than drink them. The real reason is that I have made the choice not to drink anymore because I don’t like how I can quickly get out of control. One way I do get out of control is that I voice my opinion on such taboo topics of politics and religion. Well, of course, I know that my viewpoints are the only correct ones and everyone else are ignorant heathens. Apparently people don’t like to be told that they are wrong.
Well this year I decided I wasn’t going to be baited into such conversations so I avoided all talk of politics and religion.
But there was one topic that I never thought that I would ever “offend” someone with.
I was telling a story about my trip to Hungary and how we went to a mineral spa. I said that it was like the movie Cocoon. There were a bunch of old people in tiny bathing suits and old men in Speedoes. I said that I had never seen so many women with hairy armpits. I said it was gross because they were wearing a bathing suit with hair hanging out the arm pits. I was then notified by one of my co-workers that she does not shave at all. She said, “It is pointless.” I begged to differ. I could tell that I had upset her with my hairy armpit comments. Is this where the world has gone to? We have to be politically-correct about armpit hair? Somehow armpit hair has been turned into a “lifestyle choice”. Now I have to be apologetic that someone has poor hygiene?
I’m drawing the line right there. There are certain things that I don’t have to be tolerant of and armpit hair is not one of them. Hey, if you got hairy pits, more power to you, but keep it to yourself–under a very thick sweater and out of our sight. Oh, and while I am at it, all that talk about our “carbon-footprint” is a load a junk when you go out to the patio and smoke a pack of cigarettes in 4 hours.
Wow, see, if I had “gone wild” I could of said something like that to her face, but I hold inside and then publish it on the internet instead. Cathartic, ahhh.

Have a Wham-Tastic Christmas!

Now this is some awesome 80′s Christmas Music. It makes me glad that I don’t have to trudge through snow in 80′s clothes. I hate it when my 3 pairs of slouch socks get wet when I wear my moon-boots.

WHAM!

YouTube – Funny Christmas Song – Bohemian Christmas Rhapsody Video

A Queen classic Christmas style.  If you have short attention span skip to minut 3:15 for the climax of the song.  It has good animation to show elves playing guitars and pianos.

 

YouTube – Funny Christmas Song – Bohemian Christmas Rhapsody Video.

New Christmas Game: Cookie Smash

Our family has developed a new game for the Christmas Season called “Cookie Smash”. We always love to play games around the kitchen table like Trivial Pursuit or Mexican Train, but we also have a large supply of Coke and Cookies near our seats.
The rules of the game are simple: If someone has a cookie and they place it on the table you have to smash it with your fist. More than likely the person will continue eating it, because we are all family. As the game progresses people get more protective of their cookies so they will hold on to them in their hands or put the whole thing in their mouth. So it gets trickier. You need to find ways to trick them to put their cookie on the table. Like asking them to go get you a blanket, then they put down the cookie and leave to get the blanket for you and then you smash it! This game is for adults because kids don’t know how to control their fists or their excitement for the game. Our first victims were No-Bake Cookies. They are good becuase they don’t crumble into a mess, they just stick to the table or plate. Even Santa’s cookies were not safe last night!
Another variation is “Finger Dip” where you stick your finger in someone’s drink. For some reason my sister Ty doesn’t like it!

Nothing Says Christmas

Nothing Says Christmas like having to share a bed with your sister and talking into the wee hours of the morning. Usually included are inside jokes about your family and quotes from tv shows and movies.
There is also no regard for personal space when you have to share a bed with a sister. You become someone’s human body pillow.
As my mom says we “just get to laughin’ ” about something and we can’t stop.
Much of the conversation is “had to be there” as we are all hyped up on coke, cookies, fudge and exhaustion. Also, alot of our agression is pent up from earlier in the day if we can’t be rude to an in-law’s face.
It is best to have an “unwilling sister” in be with you. That means that they either are tired or do not want to be touched. It gives you more ammunition to snuggle and torture them with Christmas songs with words changed to talk about your family. When they say “stop it” it means “I love it and keep going”.
For some reason I have a few sisters who are glad Christmas is only once a year.

Update: Taboo Party Topics

I am discovering that the female armpit hair culture is more widespread than what I thought.
My nephew’s girlfriend does not follow this simple hygeine technique.
Helpful Hint to Men: Stop being subservient to these hairy beasts and tell them to shave. The females are obviously wearing the pants in this relationship (well, the pants are under a very flowing flowered print skirt and a cardigan sweater that smells like weed).

Cobb Family Traditions: The Trinity of Food

Some families enjoy the Christmas Goose or Turkey. Some go with some Shrimp on Christmas Eve. At the Cobb Family there are 3 staples that must be in place to have the Cobb Christmas dinner. They are: Ham, Mashed Potatoes, and Scalloped Corn. If any of these three are missing there is an uproar. Do we like scalloped potatoes? Yes, but there better be a bowl of mashed potatoes, too. Scalloped corn is basically creamed corn mixed with flour and eggs so it is very fluffy. As a result of these 3 items being the anchors of the Christmas meal these are the first to be gone during the left-overs season. Some family members will pick their favorite and just have a bowl of one dish, like a large bowl of mashed potatoes for lunch. The ham is usually converted to ham sandwiches with mustard.

Now there are 3 other things that must be at the Cobb Family Christmas festivities or you’ll have a riot and many trips to Meijer (the grocery store) to pick up supplies. They are: Coke, homemade Caramels, and homemade FUDGE! There has to be a steady stream of pop flowing through Cobb veins to keep them awake and able to put puzzles together until 2 am. Caramels are wrapped in wax paper and you cannot just eat one. Fudge comes in a variety and it is up to the baker to decide what they’ll make that year. We usually get a chocolate or chocolate-marshmallow. Then someone gets their “weird” fudges like maple or amaretto. It is also fun to see who will not check the fudge’s temperature correctly and mess up their batch. We usually have a batch of “frosting”–too soft fudge and “Brown Sugar Crystals”–fudge cooked too long. We’ll eat whatever we get. We will also eat “fudge crumbles” the little chards of fudge at the bottom of the pan from cutting the fuge up. One year my sister got a tupperware full of “fudge crumbles” as a gift from another sister.

Other family constants: green bean casserole, cinnamon jell-o salad, and Chex Mix

Where did this problem go?

There are so many problems in the world and people give blame and if someone solves a problem people debate whether it was even solved at all (or made worse).
When I was a kid I remember a commercial by Whisk. The problem it showed was very serious and it strikes fear in the heart of wives–RING AROUND THE COLLAR!!!
Now, is this a problem that still exists in the world? Or did Whisk solve this problem? Or is it a problem that will rise up again and we find out that people have still been struggling with it?
The commercials had such a dire message. It was a warning to the women that if you don’t take care of your husbands’ ring around the collar they will lose their jobs. What caused ring around the collar? Is is just sweaty necks? Hard water? Dyes from other clothes? Where did it come from? Did America become aware of how dirty their necks were and began paying attention to giving it an extra scrub in the shower?
One theory could be the divorce rate. There are less women who stay home and do their husbands’ laundry. So maybe Ring Around the Collar is still running rampant but the collapse of the American family causes it to go unnoticed!
This is a problem that obviously requires at least $125 million to investigate the unknown epidemic. I will be appealing to my senators and representatives and making sure that I get my piece of the “stimulus plan”. I’m sure I’ll get it. They pay millions for crappy park benches.

The Wilderness in TN

Hanging out at the Wilderness a hotel witha waterpark inside. There are some cool waterslides and the rooms are suite style. The place is huge!!!
Having fun so far, except for the dry skin from the chlorine and the winter cold.
I think all the water pressure goes to the waterslides because the shower sucked! There’s no flow, no flow, Jerry!

The Screwtape Letters

I have recently been reacquantited with a CS Lewis book I read a few years ago.  Yes, CS Lewis wrote the Chronicles of Narnia, but he also wrote many books about the Christian faith. He was also the voice of England in a series of radio programs about Christianity during WWII.  With the Nazis bombing England daily, Lewis provided encouragement and strength to the English by reminding them about the power of their Christian Faith.  The book, Mere Christianity, is the transcipt of these radio addresses.

I want to talk about another book, however, called the Screwtape Letters.  It is a little less philosophical than Mere Christianity and is a good start for people who are just starting to read Lewis or beginning their walk in the Christian Faith.

The book is written in 31 chapters which are letters from a head-demon named Screwtape to his nephew, a young demon,  named Wormwood.  Wormwood has a “patient”, a new believer in Christ.  Wormwood’s job is to have his patient fall away from Christ; to make the patient lose that love and zeal a new believer has.  Screwtape is Wormwood’s mentor and he responds to Wormwood’s questions and problems with the patient through letters.

Why do I like this book?  Its format is very easy to read.  Each letter is less than 10 pages.  The Letters can be amusing as Screwtape has a very sarcastic, yet friendly tone.  It is also told through the point of view of the devil or demons and not through the eyes of the believer.  This point of view makes it clear to the reader about the devil’s plan for your life.  Screwtape tells Wormwood, “to make your patient leave the enemy (Jesus) you must try this…”  Screwtape and Wormwood are trying to instill “lesser sins” in your life, not the biggies.  Demons and devils don’t bother murderers and thieves, they are already lost.  They are already in the devil’s grasp.  The devil wants God’s people, those are the ones with value to him.

For a long time I had the thoughts, “I’m a good person, I don’t do the biggies.  I’m not a killer, I don’t steal, I am not an adulterer.”  Screwtape’s strategy are not these sins, but the ones we ignore because we want to feel good about ourselves.  Things like not going to church, or church hopping/shopping.  Or who we hang out with. We say to ourselves, “well, that is not that bad compared to….”  No. It is bad, because these are the little holes in your armor that the devil will use against you. 

When you read through The Screwtape Letters you’ll say to yourself, “Gosh, I do that.”  “Oh, I need to change that.”  “That’s how the devil has a hold on me.”  Weaknesses you are unaware of.

The book is very inexpensive—under $15 and short–under 15o pages (probably less).  There are also audio book chapters on YouTube so you can either read along with the actor John Cleese as Screwtape or just listen.  I think it is worth it if you like your spiritual reading to be a little more entertaining.

Screwtape Letter 1

Ok. Demons sure don’t waste anytime.  Screwtape starts out by saying that argumentused to be the way to steal people back from the enemy (Jesus).  That’s not needed anymore, because  there is no debate or argument anymore.  We have the ”weekly press” or the media to make sure we don’t think or reason. Remember, this was written during WWII–so we have about 10 times more exposure to media outlets (Why do we feel the need to watch Extra, ET, and Access Hollywood? Why do we watch the news and believe every word eventhough there are motives behind whoever is speaking?).

Jargon is going to be Wormwood’s best ally (Jargon is basically catchphrases and slogans and fads).  Screwtape says to convince that patient that materialism is the philosophy of the future.  We sure don’t like to miss out on anything.  Why are there people in Hollywood practicing Kabbalah or Scientology?  Because they want to be on the cutting edge of “philosophy” or fads. 

The demons don’t want you to study, or argue or debate because you might actually think about God and heaven and hell.  Instead they want you caught in a stream of thought called, “real life”.  You’ll be too busy to be philosophical.  Screwtape describes one of his patients, an atheist, who one day started thinking about God.  Screwtape says, “the enemy was immediately by his side” to push the thoughts further along.  Screwtape has to battle the thoughts not with debate but with real life, telling the guy he was hungry.  Eventually the hunger beat the thoughts of God because Screwtape tells him to “think about it after lunch.”  Then a few distractions here and there and the thoughts are gone.

Now how often have you told yourself, “I’ll deal with that or read that later after ____________” ? Yeah, that is one way the devil can distract you: with real life.

Screwtape wants us to think about the Ordinariness of things, that way we couldn’t possibly think about or believe in something we cannot see.   He also tries to get us to believe that “we know it all” and have gained that knowledge through real-life.  That causes us not to go into further investigation of God.  How often do you sit through a class, a  sermon, a conversation and thing, “yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.”  That is another trap.  You are closing yourself off from God.

Here a some observations made about God in this letter.  (Don’t you like how Screwtape calls him the “enemy” and the devil as “the father”.  It changes your perspective about how the devil operates and deceives.):

–Reason–Screwtape says reason and logic will lead the patient closer to God.  That doesn’t match the secular world’s view of Christianity.  To them, Christianity is irrational and not logical.  As someone who came to the Lord through reasoning and logic I have always been frustrated with people who refuse to recognize man’s depravity or do not see good and evil in this world.  How illogical is that?  To not believe  there is NO evil.  Do you watch the news?  Have you seen children play together?  Have you seen people driving before?  There is evil in the world.

–The Devil has never been a human, God has.  That is one of God’s “abominable advantages” over the devil.  God knows how we feel and how we think.

–God is at our elbow to help us.

–God whispers or speaks to us when we are in need and when we are listening.

–Science can lead to the Lord, too.  Again, Science is very reason and logic based it proves God’s existence.  Why would God give cows four stomachs?  Because they eat a lot of grass and plant cells have the hardest cell walls.  Cows need four stomachs to digest the plant cell walls.  Think about the magic of FIBER.  To me, that proves God’s existence.  So does nose hair.

I hope you enjoy The Screwtape Letters and you can see through this fun fable how the devil tries to lead you away from Christ.

Top Things to Be Grateful for on a Cold Winter’s Night

5. Slippers. They keep your toes warm, but unlike socks they don’t get wet or pick up pokey things off the floor and stick to your feet. I like the slippers with a hard sole so you can wear them to the mailbox or to the grocery store (or to church, like I did on accident one Sunday). They look and feel like shoes so you can get away with going in public.

4. Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows. Makes a great night snack and marshmallows have no fat so you won’t feel AS guilty as some snacks. Also, it has less caffeine than a coffee so you don’t feel jittery but soothed by the warm milk.

3. A heating pad. I have a fear of electric blankets so I have this awesome heating pad with automatic shut off. If I fall asleep with it on I won’t die in a fire because the heating pad turns off after 30 minutes. I try not to use it every night because I don’t want it to hurt my back. I have a sister (who shall remain nameless) who uses hers everynight and it looks like she has giant red rectangle on her back. She has a heating pad outline tattoo.

2. Something to snuggle with. We all have our preferences with this one. I currently enjoy my Hillsdale College blanket. It is made out of material that feels like a big old sweatshirt. I also like to snuggle with my kitty, Fluffykins if he doesn’t do A.) Sleep directly on my head or B.) Bite my feet everytime I move. Otherwise he makes a great 2nd heating pad.

1. A good book. Hopefully your room has a comfortable enough temperature for you to be able to keep your hands outside of the blanket. Sometimes I have to use the flashlight under the covers strategy to read in bed. My current bedtime book is my new Quest Study Bible. I’m rockin’ it New Testament style and this Bible has all the notes and references of a regular study Bible but they place everything in question form. It is much easier to read and it doesn’t have 50 footnotes per page and then only 5 verses like the study Bibles.

MySpace or NoSpace?

I am thinking about cancelling my MySpace Account. I just checked it today and my mood is listed as “Janey is excited about the Christmas Season”. No one has added me as a friend in months and the apps on there are trashy.
I am totally dedicated to Facebook and the “cleanliness of it”. Meaning peoples crappy music/graphics/glittering angels don’t get in the way of me reading the comments or profile info. I prefer my stalking to be on a white background and easy “wall to wall” links.
I will probably cancel MySpace by the end of the week. I first have to salvage my old blog postings. I shall put my “greatest hits” up on the Wordy Press.

It’s for church!

My sister was making coffee cake with my niece tonight and I ran over to the stove to see what was going on. I said “What’s that for?” My sister replied “Back off, it’s for church.”
When you hear that and it is in regards to food you can feel disappointment immediately set in. This beautiful dessert is not for you but “for church.”
Then I thought back to when I was a kid and I would hear “You can’t have that, that’s for church” all the time with food. “Don’t eat that jello salad, that’s for church. Stay away from the casserole that’s for church.” You would get so frustrated because there was nothing else to eat in the house except this supposed holy food.
Now my brother was a food hog. He was the type to drink all the milk eat and all the cereal in one day. Mom could buy weeks worth of groceries and he’d eat all the good stuff after midnight. As a result, “it’s for church” turned into a phrase to deter my brother from eating us out of house and home. Soon everything became “for church”.
“Dont eat that chip dip — it’s for church” (and nevermind that you just saw me eat out of the container for the last 15 minutes.). “You can’t have those chicken patties, that’s for church.”
Because I was the youngest I was not privy to this food ruse and I soon became of a victim of “it’s for church” starvation.
Eventually my brother caught on and started to use the ploy against me and things like poptarts and Faygo pop got added to the church list.
Finally I figured things out about the food in the fridge when I realized that we didn’t go to church that often or even at all. So why are we making and giving all our food to a place I only went on Wednesday night and on holidays? Were we good kids because we feared the Lord enough not to touch His lemon bars or were we bad kids for using God’s house to protect our food from our pig of a brother?
Nowadays a lot of food in the kitchen is for church and it is so tempting not to sneak a sample. When I hear “it’s for church” however I am a little skeptical, after years of the phrase being a food security alarm I doubt the motives of the chef.
My sister finally admitted that the coffee cake was for consumption at home. She just wanted me to leave her alone while she baked.

Does a Sister Steamroll in the Woods?

Cobb family vacation was not recession proof this summer. Original plans was a roadtrip to South Dakota to see Mt. Rushmore. That fell through and we opted for a trip to Michigan and it’s beautiful lakes.
We headed to Lake Otsego to camp for two nights. Just the usual–hot dogs, marshmallows, campfire, and scary stories. My sister had a RV so her family and my mom could sleep in there.
But the real fun was in the big tent. The first night my two sisters and two nieces got yelled at for being too loud at night by the very stern park ranger. We weren’t doing anything wrong– just giggling and steam rolling each other (now this may be just a Cobb or Michigan thing but steamrolling is when you roll over whatever poor soul has to share a bed with you during family get-togethers as you are rolling over them and squishing their organs you yell “steamroller”– fun is had by all).
The next night my oldest sister came to camp and we like to make something called a “Ty Sandwich”–we smoosh Ty between two sisters in a loving hug– Ty’s mouth maybe saying “stop” but her giggles say “I love it”. We also told her about the angry park ranger and how we couldn’t be loud or they’ll kick us out. We decided to torture her with steamrolling and as we rolled over her we covered her mouth and said “no one can hear your screams”. Imagine four sisters and two nieces beating the tar out of each other and they are not aloud to laugh or scream. It was great fun and very memorable. We totally had the church giggles and tried to be completely still when we saw a lantern walk by the outside of our tent. Luckily we did not get busted by the park rangers for illegal steamrolling past quiet hours.
Pack of hot dogs: $3.99 Bug spray: $5.99 Campsite rental: $25 per night. Torturing your sisters in the great outdoors: Priceless.

I’ve joined the cult

I bought an iPhone and feel that now my life is complete. I don’t have to walk the five feet over to my desk and use the computer anymore. Now I can just stay in my bed and do all my texting and facebook in a complete
Slothlike position. Now if only the bathroom could be closer.
I havent gone completely crazy yet with the magic gadget. But I haven’t gone through all the apps yet.
I have such high expectations for the phone. I hope it doesn’t disappoint me. Could I disappoint it by not being as cool as those people drinking starbucks and brooding through my tweets? Quite the high expectations.

Everything’s bigger in Texas, especially my appetite

Slept in today–11 am TX time, 1 pm GA time–oops. Woke up to the sound of the smoke alarm–BREAKFAST IS READY! Had eggs and ham with hashbrowns. It was a good start of the day.
We went to the El Paso Saddle Company and big souvenier store. I didin’t find anything I wanted. I saw an Indian blanket I liked, but it was made in India. Oh, cruel irony, Columbus.
For lunch we went to Wienerschnietzel, a fast food chain of hot dogs. It was nothing special but I can say I went somewhere that had “the world’s best wieners.”

Dinner time was a trek to the desert to Cattleman’s Ranch.  It has been voted one of Texas’ best restaurants and I agree!!  They have a steak called the Cowboy that is 2 lbs.  I settled for the 10 oz NY Strip Steak.  While we were waiting for our food to be cooked (and possibly to be slaughtered) we went out on the Ranch and looked at their mini-zoo.  They had rabbits, ostrich, goats, Texas Longhorns and Buffaloes.  Our favorite was the snake pit.  It is a big cage with about a dozen rattle snakes inside.  We could see them slither around and one started rattling at us through the mesh.  Maran was scared and all through our walk we would grab her and make hissing sounds.  Also the buffalo sneezed water at Maran.  Back at the dinner table my steak came and in the first bite I was in love.   I have had steak before but now I realize the importance of cut and quality–like diamonds, steaks are a girls’ best friend.  I ate it all!!!  I don’t think I could ever have another steak in my life because it could not compare to this one.  I also had a baked potato.  For dessert there was apple pie. 

There was no eating after this point. I think you can figure out why.

A Cross Country Gastrointestinal Journey

Breakfast: Coke, coffee and potato burrito from a local stand. Yay!!! I love potatoes in Mexican food.
We drove around to different missions in El Paso. The blistering sun made us stop for a drink. I had a strawberry Fanta and a bag of Reese’s Pieces. The pieces were gone by the time we got to Mesilla, New Mexico. A little town with a square of restaurants and stores. We went to Peppers Restaurant, but it is also called the Double Eagle. I think it has one name during the day and another name at night. While eating there I realize that this is where my brother and his wife got married. I gave my sister a tour and recounted the event of about 5 years ago. I had tortilla soup as I was not super hungry. I had a Pepsi which I hate, but this one didn’t taste too bad, maybe I was imagining it was a coke and the mirage showed up on my tastebuds. The soup was good and it wasn’t too hot, but I kept coughing like a dork because I had a tickle in my throat. People were looking at me like I was some wimpy white person who can’t eat spicy food. It looked like I was over-reacting to the spices, but just a cough.
We found a shop called the Chocolate Lady. I bought a chocolate covered marshmallow. It was HUGE. On the car ride home I at it and I got a little sugar-shocked about 1/3 of the way thorugh. But I had to push through–it cost 2.50! The marshmallow inside was pink and it had a little strawberry flavor. I took a swig of left-over strawberry Fanta to wash it down. Problem was the Fanta had been in the car for 3 hours. I think it was about a 90 degree drink!
My sister-in-law made green chile enchiladas for dinner. I was very good and it was my first time having green chile enchiladas, I’ve usually had the red chile ones.
My brother took us around El Paso after dinner. We went by Fort Bliss Army Base. We went up some mountains and saw the sunset. He showed us Juarez City in Mexico from afar (it is too dangerous to go there because of a drug war). He showed us the Rio Grande, which is not even a stream because it is so dry right now. I also saw our tax dollars at work with the border fence. I guess we do need the fence since there is not treacherous river to swim through. My favorite is seeing the big fence and then 5 feet later there is no barrier–hello, they can just go around! We went to another mountain and it was dark so we saw all the city lights below. The mountains and desert are very pretty.
On the way back to the house we had a hankering for Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I had a strawberry glazed. My body is not objecting to my food choices–yet.
Who knows what food discoveries I’ll make tomorrow.